What is God teaching me?

Today Josh and I went to church at Lifespring. They asked Josh to help in the band so I went there too. The message was on Forgiveness. The key line that stood out to me was.... When you don't forgive you are the victim. When you forgive you are the victor. I thought about that and my life in the past week. I was playing the victim with someone breaking into my car. I was angry, upset, pissed and wanted revenge. After the service I told Josh that message was for me. I can be all of those things above but it doesn't settle anything. If the person that broke into my car felt he needed to do that then he must be desperate for something. I'm not sure what. I hope its a pink camera, 4 year old iPod, and a pretty green purse with purple flowers. Oh yeah, and $4.50. I'm sure they were disappointed not to find my credit cards and gift cards but it is what it is. I can't say that right after that message I was saying "oh I forgive them" and its done. I'm still a little angry but its not worth it. The window is already replaced, and there are a million cameras better than mine, and lots of purses that I would love to have iPods galore. I'm thankful that I am blessed to have a job that allows me to afford these items, and that I have a car to drive to bad neighborhoods to help those that have needs greater than mine. I have learned a lesson from this, and hopefully the person that did this to me doesn't have to do it to anyone else. Its not likely but I can hope.


My Sh*ty Day

Today started out as a normal day. Then I had to drive to Walnut Hills/Clifton area to see a patient. All was good until I came out and saw a million pieces of glass on my seat. Someone threw a cinderblock through my window and stole my purse. Now your probably thinking....what kind of idiot leaves their purse in the car? I did because when I was driving up to the lot I thought "those two guys over there look really scetchy and should probably be in school." SO I thought leave the purse in the car and cover it up. Which I did because I had the fear of getting jumped for my purse. Well my car got jumped instead. What pisses me off..... I loved that purse, camera and the sunglasses I had in there. The joke is really on them because I only had $4.36 in the purse (they did get a cool camera). My credit cards were actually on the front seat under some papers because I forgot to put them back in my purse. They could have had $10 but I couldn't stray away from target this morning to buy some hair scrunchies and a new smaller version of a target ecofriendly bag. Which came in handy when I had to get all my paperwork out of my car to drop off at the glass place. The other crazy thing is that I had lots of gift cards and gas cards and my TomTom in the car and they didn't touch any of it. They knew they couldn't open the door or the alarm would go off (if it was the guys I think it was) because they heard me set it. SO in a nutshell......... I feel violated. It makes me feel like taking Josh and Donny's lead and get my concealed carry, or at the very least carry mase. I would have taken my purse with me if I would have had some type of protection. I would have my pretty purse and pretty camera and pretty pens that Patty made me and I could have stayed in my pretty little world thinking life was great. Instead I'm pissed. I go out and try to help people in the community and this is the thanks I get. Josh tells me not to take it personal but I can't. Nothing is safe or sacred in this world anymore. People talk about the good old days when you could leave your house unlocked and nobody would come in. What happened to that. What happened to getting a job and earning money instead of stealing. Can you tell I'm a little bitter right now? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


The Cold

Its officially here. The Cold. I never dreamed that I would be living with Josh's parents this long. I have no winter clothes at their house. They are all in storage. Even my winter coat. It use to be that it was January before I would wear a winter coat but with my new job I know I'll need it so much sooner. (It would have been nice to have a coat today) So I am on the hunt for a new coat. My love for shopping has prompted me to begin the search.

The cold also has lots of thoughts related around TV. You don't want to be outside in the cold. So I was thinking about all the shows I watch. There are some can't miss shows and then there are some if I'm home I'll watch.

Can't miss shows:
The Office
Desperate Housewives

Shows I like to watch:
How I Met your Mother
Big Bang Theory
Two and a Half Men

Then Shows I watch when I can't sleep:
Law and Order
Law and Order: SVU

I try and not get hooked on Cable television because when Josh and I move I'm sure we won't have cable again. While I'm with Josh's parents though I like to watch HGTV too. Tis' a good season to be living with his parents because there is cable. In the summer I can go without TV all together. but from Nov. to March its a staple in my day. I know I live a sad life. Especially now because I have no house to clean, meals to cook (not that I'm complaining) and no scrapbooking stuff which really depresses me. I love to scrapbook.


The Mind of a Killer

I have many interactions with patients and they tell me lots of things that can freak you out. BUT..... None like this one. I met with a patient the other day that admitted to me that he was in a gang when he was younger. I didn't think much of it. I did foster care for a while and many foster children were part of gangs and that gang was their family.

What threw me off was what he admitted while he was in that gang: he killed three people. He was never caught (he made it seem like he was because he made several comments about "doing his time") and as it appeared had no remorse about the events. In fact he bragged about it. I can't describe what it felt like to sit across from a killer, one with no remorse, and one that wanted to tell you how proud he was that he was the "executioner." I can't tell anyone because I am bound by patient confidentiality. I can only report if he is going to (future and present tense) harm himself and/or others. He admits to also being part of the KKK and was also proud of this. I wanted to barf. How can one person have so much hate in their life. It was also clear that he didn't have any respect for his own person by evidence of what we were treating him for. I never once feared for my life while I was with him. His wife kept telling me "if you don't tell him to shut up he'll keep talking. He was as nice as he could be to me. If he would have never disclosed this information I would have never known. He was happy I would talk to him and that he had interaction other than his wife/caregiver. Someone new to tell his stories too.

I often talk to patients about their past and they use it as a way to talk about the good old days and how things use to be. Usually all the good things in their life: what made them most proud as a person, their greatest accomplishments. This patient is most proud to be a killer and part of the KKK. It sends shivers down my spine. Not while I was with him. While I was with him I was intrigued. Maybe it's my psychology background and the fact that "the mind" always intrigues me. I wouldn't have studied it so much if it didn't.

My husbands first comments were. I told you you need your concealed carry license. I was pretty confident that with his missing limb and medical condition that I could run faster than him. So that wasn't the issue. The issue was after the meeting digesting everything that he told me. I can't fathom what puts this in people's minds to do such a thing (and he has no diagnosis of a serious mental illness and I would concur). I don't know what makes a person so mad. What happened in his life to make him like this.

Was he abused as a child? Does he have an unseen neurological disorder? A neurologist from Georgetown University Medical Center, Jonathan Pincus says that mental illness, neuro disorders and child abuse are the three biggest things that makes a killer. He even had a chance to interview and test Ted Bundy. Not that this is the end all be all of what makes a killer by any means, but he has devoted a lot of time to the issue.

Josh would say I should know because I watch cop shows all the time. I think that is why I talked with the patient so long. So now its over and all I can do is pray for him. I don't know if he'll ever change. He did reach out to talk to me about it. It could have been to see what kind of reaction he could get from me or maybe he is starting to get a conscience. I'll never no, but I know he doesn't have much time left and he is lonely so I guess its between him and God.


Blogger Action Day: Poverty

So I know I missed it by a couple of hours but I have lots of stories/interaction with poverty on a daily basis. Its interesting that I deal with people in poverty everyday but when I come home all I look at is houses for sale on the MLS and how I can find the one I like best with 3 beds 2 baths, a nice great room and kitchen, in the perfect schools, in the perfect location. So to put myself in a place of self examination I thought I would write about the last patient I met with today.

Today I met with a 62 year old woman that lives in an efficiency apt. She lost her house to medical bills (2 open heart surgeries in 8 months) and it broke her bank. Also because of her poor health condition she couldn't keep her job. (12 weeks is all FMLA will give you) Do you know what her job was most of her life? She took care of disabled children that were placed in group homes because their parents for whatever reason weren't taking care of them at home. A total selfless act (she did get paid but not much) Where was everyone to help her in her time of need? The wealthy building more wealth. Do you think a hospital that makes millions every year would help her? Would the government step in; in such a crisis. No, she had to give up her house and everything she knew that was hers and turn it into cash to give to a hospital. Then she got government assistance but not until she was homeless, without food, without a job, and only had the clothes on her back.
So in the efficiency I was sitting on her couch, looking at her bed and dresser and to my left was her kitchen that everything in it was a arms length. If I had to guess her life was in maybe 350 sq.ft. and that was home. BUT in all this she said to me... "if I couldn't lean on Jesus through this I wouldn't be talking to you right now." She had her faith and that made her rich.

I ask every patient I see "is there anything I can help you with..." which could be in reference to many things but her response was... "yeah, can you find me some art classes to take or anything where I can interact with others..I feel lonely"
So when you boil it down the ability to spend time with others and enjoy life is what everyone wants. I can do that so much easier than my patient because I have money to do activities and I have a car that can get me to church and to see my friends. She has to rely on people to take her everywhere (she lost her car too)

People don't understand that we could be my 62 year old patient tomorrow. She would have never thought she would spend the rest of her life with a rare heart problem. That she would lose everything in 8 months time. If she wanted she could hate the world; being honest: I would in her situation. All my patient wants is a "normal" life. What she knows as normal but she will likely never have that back. Heart conditions don't go away. The government doesn't hand out more money. Now I know there is a whole other debate on those that abuse the system. I meet them on a weekly basis as well.

What I taught my patient today was where she could turn to for assistance with food, and how to find handicap transportation, and different senior centers that don't charge money. What she taught me is that when all else fails your relationship with God may be the only thing that keeps you going.


The Office

My favorite show....I'm so excited for the season. The first two episodes were great. Can you believe Pam and Jim are engaged. Can you believe Angela turned Oscar into the INS. What will they think of next?

Which Office Character Are You?

You are Jim. You are personable, easy-going, and always socially aware. Your great sense of humor and impishness soften the blow of what might otherwise be a dark, cutting cynicism.

Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com


100th Aurora Farmers Fair Parade

We took our nieces to the Aurora, IN parade on Sat. I forgot what weird things they have in parades. This is a good example of that.............



Vice Presidential Debate

Well... I wasted a couple hours of my life (but at least I was doing it with friends) watching the debate last night. All I can say is......................
John McCain is a maverick
and Joe Biden likes to refer to himself in the 3rd person.
Didn't get much else out of it.


Why am I blogging?

I'm blogging because all my friends are doing it! I also like journaling (although I don't do it much anymore) and I thought this would be a cool way to do just that. Once you get to know me you realize that my life is an open book. I'm one of those Italian girls that will say anything. There probably won't be any rhyme or reason to what I blog just whenever the mood strikes me.
So enjoy.